This thought was completed when I watched "An American in Paris" again recently. There is a special scene that I really cherish because I am a pianist and composer like the character in the scene.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzmsCt3zP8A
It's the scene when Oscar Levant (playing the music friend of the other starving artist in the movie, who is a painter played by Gene Kelly) daydreams about himself playing Gershwin's Piano Concerto in F, but not only that, he also dreams that he is the conductor, orchestra members, and the audience! A strange and musical dream, but I can identify with it perfectly. I highly recommend the movie. It's a classic, especially if you like Gershwin.
As a pianist, playing in one of Gershwin's most famous orchestral/piano pieces would be beyond amazing and wonderful. To be able to play that well is a dream of mine.
As a composer who has experience writing for many orchestral instruments and some small experience with conducting, being all the members of the orchestra at once is kind of part of the job (for composer or conductor). So dreaming about actually being each member all at the same time is not all that strange, but actually sounded intriguing and very fun to me.
And as an audience member, you get to hear and experience the music somewhat differently from the musicians' point of view, even from the conductor's point of view. Although as an audience member, you do not have the physical and mental connection to the music that the performers have, you can experience the music as none of the musicians can while they are playing. You hear and see the music as a whole, with tones, tempos, and volume levels balanced, and you hear it with fresh ears (even if you have already heard the piece before, because every ensemble is a little different). I really wouldn't want to give up the viewpoint of an audience member.
Since all this resonated with me, I came to an interesting point. I've been doing that same thing all summer...just dreaming...sort of saying, "Well, if this would happen (if God would do this and give me this opportunity), then I would do it, and then I would practice hard for it." One of the problems with that thinking is that in the music business, the business I'm trying to be in, if you don't practice, you aren't that good, and if you aren't that good right then and there, no one will hire you, no matter what you promise them about the future. The other problem is that God doesn't just hand you opportunities when you want them. Sure He gives them to you (He has to me in the past), but in His timing and on His terms. I haven't hit the big time for probably one simple reason: because I haven't been working hard at it and practicing, this goes for my composing skills too, and therefore, God says that it's not time yet. I've been dreaming that God will set something in my lap, like He has frequently done in the past. But apparently this summer was not the time. It was instead the time for me to learn something and to trust Him even more with my uncertainties.
Also recently, I heard a sermon on the Parable of the Talents. The pastor explained that the talents (an ancient measurement) given to the servants were valuable commodities to be invested and risked in the marketplace. He compared them to our modern use of the word "talent," referring to inward gifting and skills. He even threw in a bit about the show, America's Got Talent. He said that your "talent," and not just the world's view of "talent," is meant to be used, invested for God, and risked. That's the part that got me. If I risk practicing a ton and get no profit (or immediate profit) from it (rejected even, for not being good enough), I will feel like I will have accomplished nothing at all! So why even practice or develop my skills at all?! Suddenly, I remembered (but now I can't seem to find the verse) that when God sends His word out (and I think, including the "talents" He gives us), it will not return empty; it will always yield something...always no matter what. I know that music is what I'm supposed to be doing; God told me that my very first semester in college. So now I just have to work at it. I'm not under the stress of college, so I can be free-er with music, but at the same time, I have to hold myself to some standard and not just wait around dreaming. Now, because of this lesson, I have more resolution and confidence to work hard at what I do, even if I don't "see" any yield, because there will be a yield, whether I see it or not.
I've still been dreaming, getting lots more good ideas for the future. But I have been acting more on those dreams than in the past of this summer, and God has given me a laid-back, yet musically serious, and very talented band to be a part of. And even though they are way more seasoned than I am, they have been very encouraging of my beginning talents, and have helped me start to grow my talent in the very short time that I have been playing with them. I'm still waiting for all my dreams to come true and figuring out the little steps I need to take to get me there. But in the meantime, to quote tobyMac, "I got a handful of dreams and a heart full of God."
