Grieving is good, but mostly after it's over with.

Being a girl, I know that tears are good for my soul.  They are a physical phenomenon that release emotional stress, especially the stress of losing something that I didn't want to lose.  Lately, tears have not been enough of a release for my grief, so I'm going to try something else as well.  As a musician, I'm going to try to put my grief into my music, whether performing or composing.  Usually, composing music more than performing music is a longer lasting outlet for me when I have big, stressful situations is my life.  I've also found that physical exercise (fun physical exercise because I'm a couch potato person) also relieves some stress, or a hobby, or cleaning the house, or just something that can be accomplished helps me relieve stress.

On the subject of grief over a loss, I've found out that the first step is to not deny that you need to grieve.  Don't beat yourself up because you "should just get over it."  You shouldn't (and I've found this to be true with other things as well); the more you hide something, including hiding it from yourself, thereby denying it's existence, whether it's a desire, an action, a wound...anything, the more you hide it, the stronger and more uncontrolable it becomes.  (It's extremely weird, but true.)  You have to face up to it and slowly work through it as long as it takes.  On the other hand, there also is a delicate balance that must take place because wallowing in the grief is not a good thing either.

I think the next step is to find an outlet for the grief, whether tears, exercise, a hobby, music, whatever it takes (maybe a combination of the above).  I think I'm going to try a combination (but mostly composing) and see how that goes, putting my emotion constructively into music, school, and others (instead of focusing on myself).  Along with an outlet, the grief needs to be given to God.  Even if you are hiding it from others, you still have to face it yourself and give it to God.  Facing it is almost like embracing it, and then you totally let go of it into God's arms.  Only He can fully heal you, because emotional outlets help relieve the pain but cannot fully heal the wounds and grief from a loss.  I'm at this point right now, and yes, grieving is not fun.  But since I've started the process, I have been feeling better emotionally, even though it's still not a fun process.  I don't know yet what the next step is, so I'm going to follow through on this step for now.

One last important note, whether you grieve or not does not define whether or not the attachment to something you had was right or wrong.  Because you had the attachment to something in the first place, right or wrong, means that you are free and allowed to grieve (in your heart, even if not outwardly) for the loss of it, especially if it was a strong attachment to something.  But the need to grieve does not define whether it was right or wrong; God and His word define what is right and wrong.  In other words, needing to grieve the loss does not make the attachment right, and if the attachment was wrong, that does not mean that you have no need to grieve its loss.

The Selfish Jerk-ette Inside

You know when the Holy Spirit convicts you of something that you did not even realize you were doing?  And it is something bad that you think that you should have been able to catch in yourself before He steppped in and pointed it out, because you had never had a problem with that particular sin before...or at least, you did not think you did?  Here is the sequence of events I found myself in this week.

A certain friend of mine from school whom I have been trying to show Jesus to, through a series of class schedule related events, needed someone to bring her something to eat for dinner one night this week.  She was frantically texting to find someone to do it for her when it occured to me that I could do it.  I did not tell her that though, because I could not do it right away.  I figured that if no one else was able to bring her dinner, I would do it later when I could.  Well, later happened, and I did not call her to find out if someone had brought her some food because I was tired and just wanted to go home.  So I went home...and missed an opportunity to be Jesus to someone desperately in need of Him.

The next day, I was in a Bible study about the Good Samaritan, going out of his way to love someone.  Right there, God brought up to my mind the events above and events that could happen the next day.  In the next day, I was expecting to get an invitation to a get together with my church friends to watch a football game.  However, another friend of mine from school had expressed a desire for me to watch the game with her.  I was torn between holding out for a yet to be expressed invitation, most likely involving a person that I have a crush on, and hanging out with a great girlfriend from school who has been having an exceptionally rough semester (with school, life, and family) and actually needs the friend time I could give her.

I decided to not make a mistake again by following the guidance my selfish self.  I told my friend that I would love to come to her house, and she was ecstatic.  The other expected invitation came, from my crush no less, and I tried not to flinch when I told him that I had already made other plans.  Besides, I will see everyone in church this weekend soon enough.

The point is not that I need to get over my crush, even though I do because nothing is happening.  But all of that is beside the point.  The point is that if you pursue your emotional, hormonal, physical, or whatever desires, they will not be fulfilled because they were not made to be fulfilled by a sin tainted world.  You must let go of your wants, needs, and desires.  But do not just throw them away, because they will still be unfulfilled and stronger than ever.  Give them to God because they are His; He made them and knows exactly how to handle them.  And when they are out of the way, and the selfish jerk or jerk-ette inside of you does not control your decisions anymore, God can love other people through you who need to feel His love at that moment.  This is what I am beginning to learn this week.

The Adventure Begins...

Unfortunately, I am not a great writer.  Many times, I don't even really enjoy it.  Then why start a blog?  Good question.  I've been wondering that myself.  I used to think that my life was not interesting, that God just had a pretty good, boring plan for me.  Well, in the last few years I've come to the understanding that life, and especially my life right now, is an exciting, exhausting, wonderful, and frightening adventure.  You have probably already discovered this for yourself, and I am glad if you have because it comes with a very different perspective to look through.  But myself only discovering it recently, and still being reasonably young and excitable, I am bursting with the discovery!  The heart knowledge that my life is worth something, that it is exciting, and that God makes it that way, seems to be all my wildest dreams come true.  Maybe that's why I'm writing a blog.  Stay tuned...