Life Lessons in Ballroom Dancing?

I've started ballroom dancing in the last few months (something I've always wanted to do), and if you put a bit of work into it (aka, a lot of exercise), it's fantastic!  Two people, uniting and working together perfectly (at least theoretically) in dance and movement, is one of the most powerful and meaningful, physical and mental experiences I've ever had in my limited years of life experience.  The way the two work together is also mind-blowing for me.
Everyone, I think, has heard of the terms "lead" and "follow" in ballroom (mainly in social/unrehearsed) dancing.  I had heard that too, but because of my growing independent streak, I found it extremely difficult to be the "follower" instead of the "lead."  I tried to follow anyway, but it still wasn't quite working (I am, of course, still a beginner).  Sometimes I was fed up with following because it wasn't working for me, so I unconsciously (sometimes consciously) started leading (or anticipating the other person's moves).  But that didn't work either!  When both people are leading, there is no common goal, because we obviously cannot read each others minds, and therefore the two cannot work together.  Ergo, there must be only one leader, and the other must be the follower.
The man has probably been designated the "lead" because of the patriarchal societies in history that the ballroom dances emerged from.  Ballroom dancing has stayed the same in this respect until the present possibly because of convenience and tradition.  (In the previous two sentences, I'm just speculating without any hard evidence or credible sources that I could quote for you.)  Is that the way ballroom dancing should be in this present age?  And could it, or even should it, be a metaphor for life?  I've always struggled with woman's place on earth and her relationship to man, probably because I'm not married yet.  Or maybe that's the reason why I'm not married yet.  Whichever it is, my heart is strangely inclined to go both ways towards men, very independent and very submissive...hence the struggle with my place as a woman in the world.  In order to be a part of American society as a single woman, (I am told) I must "lead" and not be led by anyone else because I must prove my worth and following is supposedly a sign f weakness.  In order to be a part of a ballroom dance as a woman, (I am told) I must "follow" and not lead or get ahead of the man that I am dancing with because then I would throw him off which would then throw the whole dance off.
Eventually, since "leading" was not working for me, I tried going back to "following," and strangely, this time it seemed to work.  Everything clicked, at least for a few minutes at a time; the movements flowed (seemingly flawlessly) from man to woman and back again (because there must always be pressure between the two to maintain balance and physical communication).  I was truly following and responding (within ballroom dancing techniques) to the subtle movements that the man was using to lead me.  That was the mind-blowing part...it actually worked.

Stay tuned for when I have more time to finish this long thought...

Handful of Dreams...Now What?

This thought was completed when I watched "An American in Paris" again recently.  There is a special scene that I really cherish because I am a pianist and composer like the character in the scene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzmsCt3zP8A

It's the scene when Oscar Levant (playing the music friend of the other starving artist in the movie, who is a painter played by Gene Kelly) daydreams about himself playing Gershwin's Piano Concerto in F, but not only that, he also dreams that he is the conductor, orchestra members, and the audience!  A strange and musical dream, but I can identify with it perfectly.  I highly recommend the movie.  It's a classic, especially if you like Gershwin.

As a pianist, playing in one of Gershwin's most famous orchestral/piano pieces would be beyond amazing and wonderful.  To be able to play that well is a dream of mine.
As a composer who has experience writing for many orchestral instruments and some small experience with conducting, being all the members of the orchestra at once is kind of part of the job (for composer or conductor).  So dreaming about actually being each member all at the same time is not all that strange, but actually sounded intriguing and very fun to me.
And as an audience member, you get to hear and experience the music somewhat differently from the musicians' point of view, even from the conductor's point of view.  Although as an audience member, you do not have the physical and mental connection to the music that the performers have, you can experience the music as none of the musicians can while they are playing.  You hear and see the music as a whole, with tones, tempos, and volume levels balanced, and you hear it with fresh ears (even if you have already heard the piece before, because every ensemble is a little different).  I really wouldn't want to give up the viewpoint of an audience member.

Since all this resonated with me, I came to an interesting point.  I've been doing that same thing all summer...just dreaming...sort of saying, "Well, if this would happen (if God would do this and give me this opportunity), then I would do it, and then I would practice hard for it."  One of the problems with that thinking is that in the music business, the business I'm trying to be in, if you don't practice, you aren't that good, and if you aren't that good right then and there, no one will hire you, no matter what you promise them about the future.  The other problem is that God doesn't just hand you opportunities when you want them.  Sure He gives them to you (He has to me in the past), but in His timing and on His terms.  I haven't hit the big time for probably one simple reason: because I haven't been working hard at it and practicing, this goes for my composing skills too, and therefore, God says that it's not time yet.  I've been dreaming that God will set something in my lap, like He has frequently done in the past.  But apparently this summer was not the time.  It was instead the time for me to learn something and to trust Him even more with my uncertainties.
Also recently, I heard a sermon on the Parable of the Talents.  The pastor explained that the talents (an ancient measurement) given to the servants were valuable commodities to be invested and risked in the marketplace.  He compared them to our modern use of the word "talent," referring to inward gifting and skills.  He even threw in a bit about the show, America's Got Talent.  He said that your "talent," and not just the world's view of "talent," is meant to be used, invested for God, and risked.  That's the part that got me.  If I risk practicing a ton and get no profit (or immediate profit) from it (rejected even, for not being good enough), I will feel like I will have accomplished nothing at all!  So why even practice or develop my skills at all?!  Suddenly, I remembered (but now I can't seem to find the verse) that when God sends His word out (and I think, including the "talents" He gives us), it will not return empty; it will always yield something...always no matter what.  I know that music is what I'm supposed to be doing; God told me that my very first semester in college.  So now I just have to work at it.  I'm not under the stress of college, so I can be free-er with music, but at the same time, I have to hold myself to some standard and not just wait around dreaming.  Now, because of this lesson, I have more resolution and confidence to work hard at what I do, even if I don't "see" any yield, because there will be a yield, whether I see it or not.
I've still been dreaming, getting lots more good ideas for the future.  But I have been acting more on those dreams than in the past of this summer, and God has given me a laid-back, yet musically serious, and very talented band to be a part of.  And even though they are way more seasoned than I am, they have been very encouraging of my beginning talents, and have helped me start to grow my talent in the very short time that I have been playing with them.  I'm still waiting for all my dreams to come true and figuring out the little steps I need to take to get me there.  But in the meantime, to quote tobyMac, "I got a handful of dreams and a heart full of God."

Becoming a Butterfly...again...

It's hard to explain the phenomenon of graduation to anyone who hasn't experienced it, but actually most people have experienced it at some level.  However, the college graduation experience is very different from the high school graduation experience.  Whether or not it's true (and it most of the time isn't), you feel like this is the deciding factor of your life.  You seem to have three options: get a job in your major/career field, live with your parents on minimum wage or unemployment and become their slave to pay the rent, or become a homeless street musician in a hopefully warmer climate than your current one.  This was my automatic train of thought when I thought about graduating from college...not to mention: when the heck will I finally find an awesome guy who will love me?!  (Probably less chances if I'm homeless.)  In case you are wondering, yes, I just graduated from college.  I am officially a BA, which is a really good feeling.
In actuality, I'm glad that these are not the only options (so I have continually been told) for me right now or for the next hundred years (yes, I plan to attempt that age).  Up until now, my life has been mostly, if not totally, made for me.  Now I must be the sole person who can bring interest and action to my life...and finally I am feeling ready for the challenge, at least I think so.  Life is confusing and frustrating (even though I'm getting used to it and learning to deal with it) so I often don't want to deal with it.  But I've learned that my life becomes worse when I don't interact with it.  I have to "grab life by the horns" (to quote the Dodge commercial) to a certain extent and engage with the world and people around me.
I also am in the midst of finding my purpose (although I may have many in my life).  I know that my current purpose is tied to my passions, but I'm still wrestling and praying about how exactly it is connected and what ways my passions and skills should develop right now.  I'm going to be trying many new and scary (at least to me) things this summer, but I will hopefully have a little time to evaluate and blog about them.

"I make all things new in your new year, your new decade, and your new life."-love, your King Jesus

Rev 21:3-8 (NLT, my emphasis)

I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, "Look, the home of God is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them.  He will remove all of their sorrows, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and its evils are gone forever."

And the one sitting on the throne said, "Look, I am making all things new!" And then he said to me, "Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true."
And he also said, "It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega--the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give the springs of the water of life without charge!  All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.  But cowards who turn away from me, and unbelievers, and the corrupt, and murderers, and the immoral, and those who practice witchcraft, and idol worshipers, and all liars--their doom is in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur. This is the second death."

In contemplating the new year, a new chapter in my life, and other things, the Holy Spirit brought the phrase that is in bold above to my heart.  I included the surrounding verses because that is how God is making all things new, totally opposite of the world's point of view.  This year will be new for me in many ways; I am graduating from college, which will bring many new experiences and changes.  Being a senior in college and "at the top of my game," so to speak, is still new for me, but I think I'm finally starting to settle into it.  God has also re-newed certain promises to me, but they feel entirely new and wonderful at this moment.  He has shown me that I can be in three places at once (figuratively) as long as I'm with Him and that the battle of life is His and not mine to worry about fighting, phenomenons that I've never been able to realize until now.

I'm also feeling new as a person, most probably because I'm getting used to the new medication that I'm on, but I think that it is a good thing.  I'm taking one day at a time and relearning how to be "Anna," which gives me some opportunities to change things about me and habits that I had developed which I didn't like.  Whether or not I will succeed in changing them is yet to be seen, but all this "new-ness" and God's promises has given me imense hope in anything that I encounter.  Jesus is reminding me over and over again that He is holding my hand at all times, as a lover and hero to me on this adventure.  So as I contemplate the new year, I am not reminiscing about 2009 because I am too enthralled about my newfound hope and re-newal in 2010 with my Divine Lover.

2Cr 5:17 (NLT, my emphasis)

What this means is that those who become Christians become new persons. They are not the same anymore, for the old life is gone. A new life has begun!

Grieving is good, but mostly after it's over with.

Being a girl, I know that tears are good for my soul.  They are a physical phenomenon that release emotional stress, especially the stress of losing something that I didn't want to lose.  Lately, tears have not been enough of a release for my grief, so I'm going to try something else as well.  As a musician, I'm going to try to put my grief into my music, whether performing or composing.  Usually, composing music more than performing music is a longer lasting outlet for me when I have big, stressful situations is my life.  I've also found that physical exercise (fun physical exercise because I'm a couch potato person) also relieves some stress, or a hobby, or cleaning the house, or just something that can be accomplished helps me relieve stress.

On the subject of grief over a loss, I've found out that the first step is to not deny that you need to grieve.  Don't beat yourself up because you "should just get over it."  You shouldn't (and I've found this to be true with other things as well); the more you hide something, including hiding it from yourself, thereby denying it's existence, whether it's a desire, an action, a wound...anything, the more you hide it, the stronger and more uncontrolable it becomes.  (It's extremely weird, but true.)  You have to face up to it and slowly work through it as long as it takes.  On the other hand, there also is a delicate balance that must take place because wallowing in the grief is not a good thing either.

I think the next step is to find an outlet for the grief, whether tears, exercise, a hobby, music, whatever it takes (maybe a combination of the above).  I think I'm going to try a combination (but mostly composing) and see how that goes, putting my emotion constructively into music, school, and others (instead of focusing on myself).  Along with an outlet, the grief needs to be given to God.  Even if you are hiding it from others, you still have to face it yourself and give it to God.  Facing it is almost like embracing it, and then you totally let go of it into God's arms.  Only He can fully heal you, because emotional outlets help relieve the pain but cannot fully heal the wounds and grief from a loss.  I'm at this point right now, and yes, grieving is not fun.  But since I've started the process, I have been feeling better emotionally, even though it's still not a fun process.  I don't know yet what the next step is, so I'm going to follow through on this step for now.

One last important note, whether you grieve or not does not define whether or not the attachment to something you had was right or wrong.  Because you had the attachment to something in the first place, right or wrong, means that you are free and allowed to grieve (in your heart, even if not outwardly) for the loss of it, especially if it was a strong attachment to something.  But the need to grieve does not define whether it was right or wrong; God and His word define what is right and wrong.  In other words, needing to grieve the loss does not make the attachment right, and if the attachment was wrong, that does not mean that you have no need to grieve its loss.

The Selfish Jerk-ette Inside

You know when the Holy Spirit convicts you of something that you did not even realize you were doing?  And it is something bad that you think that you should have been able to catch in yourself before He steppped in and pointed it out, because you had never had a problem with that particular sin before...or at least, you did not think you did?  Here is the sequence of events I found myself in this week.

A certain friend of mine from school whom I have been trying to show Jesus to, through a series of class schedule related events, needed someone to bring her something to eat for dinner one night this week.  She was frantically texting to find someone to do it for her when it occured to me that I could do it.  I did not tell her that though, because I could not do it right away.  I figured that if no one else was able to bring her dinner, I would do it later when I could.  Well, later happened, and I did not call her to find out if someone had brought her some food because I was tired and just wanted to go home.  So I went home...and missed an opportunity to be Jesus to someone desperately in need of Him.

The next day, I was in a Bible study about the Good Samaritan, going out of his way to love someone.  Right there, God brought up to my mind the events above and events that could happen the next day.  In the next day, I was expecting to get an invitation to a get together with my church friends to watch a football game.  However, another friend of mine from school had expressed a desire for me to watch the game with her.  I was torn between holding out for a yet to be expressed invitation, most likely involving a person that I have a crush on, and hanging out with a great girlfriend from school who has been having an exceptionally rough semester (with school, life, and family) and actually needs the friend time I could give her.

I decided to not make a mistake again by following the guidance my selfish self.  I told my friend that I would love to come to her house, and she was ecstatic.  The other expected invitation came, from my crush no less, and I tried not to flinch when I told him that I had already made other plans.  Besides, I will see everyone in church this weekend soon enough.

The point is not that I need to get over my crush, even though I do because nothing is happening.  But all of that is beside the point.  The point is that if you pursue your emotional, hormonal, physical, or whatever desires, they will not be fulfilled because they were not made to be fulfilled by a sin tainted world.  You must let go of your wants, needs, and desires.  But do not just throw them away, because they will still be unfulfilled and stronger than ever.  Give them to God because they are His; He made them and knows exactly how to handle them.  And when they are out of the way, and the selfish jerk or jerk-ette inside of you does not control your decisions anymore, God can love other people through you who need to feel His love at that moment.  This is what I am beginning to learn this week.

The Adventure Begins...

Unfortunately, I am not a great writer.  Many times, I don't even really enjoy it.  Then why start a blog?  Good question.  I've been wondering that myself.  I used to think that my life was not interesting, that God just had a pretty good, boring plan for me.  Well, in the last few years I've come to the understanding that life, and especially my life right now, is an exciting, exhausting, wonderful, and frightening adventure.  You have probably already discovered this for yourself, and I am glad if you have because it comes with a very different perspective to look through.  But myself only discovering it recently, and still being reasonably young and excitable, I am bursting with the discovery!  The heart knowledge that my life is worth something, that it is exciting, and that God makes it that way, seems to be all my wildest dreams come true.  Maybe that's why I'm writing a blog.  Stay tuned...